I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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