in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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