I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
