Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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