I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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