Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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