I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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