all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
