my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
