It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
