I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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