There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
