If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
