i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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