6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can I color on your dick again?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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