high people should be assigned attendants
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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