It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
