Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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