I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize