Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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