I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
