i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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