im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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