so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
