I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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