The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
And then he peed in my hair
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