Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
