singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
BRING THE BAGELS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
