they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
