You just made me feel so damn special
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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