Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
