Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Vodka?
Forever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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