dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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