I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
