i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
