Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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