so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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