she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
