There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
