Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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