FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
