I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
