My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
