Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
