there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
