He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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