Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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