I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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