my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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