There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
