i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
