I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
