they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
