The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
