i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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