proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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