I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
