I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
