I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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