just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
