I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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